The voice in my head is as excitable
as an ever alert sports commentator. I imagine her in the comfort of a
soundproof booth announcing every random thing that pops into mind, peddling it
as vital information. I am her captured
audience. I have no choice, but to hear an incoherent stream of ramblings invading
my head.
I understand that I cannot escape
hearing it. My question is: Why do I listen to it? Why do I take it so
seriously, especially since the voice is such an inflexible fear driven task
master?
Rarely does she compliment me or give
me permission to take a break. Instead, I am pushed to do better, give more.
The problem is that the disembodied voice is never satisfied. My efforts are
met with criticism and displeasure to a point where I sometimes don’t even
start a task, not because of fear of failure, but because of the immense
backlash I will receive because of it.
The most disconcerting part is when another
voice chimes in and they argue about the best course of action for my life.
They completely ignore me as they enjoy their silly spat about my future. Once
again, it reminds me of the sports commentators whose arrogant opinions become
the fixation while the live game itself, is ignored.
My puzzlement lies in the origin of
this live streaming audio. Who am I that
I can distance myself from these fear driven voices, yet sheepishly still take
their direction?
In an attempt to free myself of the
incessant chatter, I have turned my attention to the game itself. I realised
that when I fully immerse myself in the enjoyment of play, I become one with
the flow and the action. I become Present. In this moment there is no space or
use for commentary.
Think of kids blowing and chasing
bubbles. They are not concerned about whether they have dirty knees, or laugh
too loudly. They are in complete joy, unfettered by the naysaying inner voice.
Once the commentators are muted, I am
surprised to hear the quiet. It is a powerful silence; a vast universe in slow
motion; a peace of mind. It is a space where my real voice sounds a lot like
Love.
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